here i am again on my own

like a drifter going down the lonely road.......yeah - that is about how i feel. like i am drifting - not sure where i am headed, but hopefully i get there safely.

i am chugging along - one minute at a time with the eating. but, i know that i can do this.

on the other hand, i am trying to settle my son with his anxiety. it is awful tonight. last night he watched police chases with my brother, and tonight, i am paying for it! he told me before his tub that he saw a car turn into our neighbors driveway and he saw an outline of a person on the road. then, ten minutes later he said he saw a bright light by my other neighbors house. he was nearly hyperventilating about the whole thing. i know i don't handle it like i should because i get mad, and it doesn't help anyone, but it seems like it is always the same thing. i feel like my trying to help him through it doesn't help because then he questions me over and over again. three minutes later he will ask me if i am sure that what i said is true.

i also know he is no where near as bad as he was last year, but it is still there inside of him. i also know with todd not around that it is worse because he feels like if someone were to come i would not be able to protect the family. i am not sure how to help him......

i want to go and eat a whole bag of chocolate, and some macaroni and cheese. so, i will sit here and keep typing because that can keep my mind busy from thinking about the bad things i want to have and know that i shouldn't.

maybe it is time for myself to go to bed. if i go to sleep now, tomorrow will be here faster and that is one day closer to todd coming home.

Monday, Monday!

Ahhhh - another weekend done and over with. we went apple picking and spent the day in burlington. it was nice to be able to spend the weekend with todd before he leaves - AGAIN!

I am trying to get back on track wihh the diet thing - today is another start. I am focused, and feeling good about it, so hopefully.

we are going to be going to germany in may for a show over there. what a learning experience for the kids! I am excited about it - just hoping by then I will be A LOT slimmer. although, i have come to realize that it isn't how fast you lose - it is always going to be a struggle for me - it is not puting a time limit on it. i can not tell you how many times that i have put a time on it - saying, "I am going to be this weight by such and such." never works! it has only taken me my whole life to figure this out! yeah, i am a bright bulb, huh? just kidding!

i had tomato and mozzarella for breakfast, and lunch will be a steak and veggies. dinner is chicken with dijon mustard cream sauce. a snack later on will be banana and peanut butter. this is the plan - here's hoping it sticks!

happy monday to all!

and so it goes

todd came home yesterday - it is nice to have him here. we have been discussing my going to rosemont with him next week, but i honestly do not want to go. i want to take the kids to orlando in march, and that would give us more days down there that we can spend. i think he is in agreement with me finally! (i hope)

slow news here at the jakuowski casa - believe me, i am not complaining!

juli's homemade mac and cheese

use small a 16oz box of small shell pasta - that is the best to use - the others seem to get dry. cook it in boiling water for the time given.

meanwhile, mix 2 cans of campbell's cheddar cheese soup, 1 1/2 tsp garlic powder, milk, and cheddar cheese together in a mixing bowl.

drain the pasta, and mix with the soup mixture. bake at 350* for about 35 minutes or until brown.

if you want, you can mix stuffing with butter and put that over the top before you bake.

enjoy!

the dawn of a new week.....

Happy Monday to all! hope everyone had a good weekend. i took the kids to church yesterday. and i was exhausted at the end. the boys never stop touching amelia, and amelia never stops talking. of course, the bishop was there.....it is so much easier to have todd with me. i handled it grandly though!

the boys stayed at mom and dads for the day - toby suckered dad into buying him camouflage ski pants and a camo hat too at dick's. i must say, he is pretty proud of himself! Funny.

I am catching up on laundry and getting the house clean because tomorrow is tuesday, and todd comes home!!! we are very excited to see him. he is home for a whole week this time!

tomorrow toby gets his school pictures taken - since todd is not here and toby wants to wear a tie, i asked larry sims this morning if he would possibly so it for me. he said he would be more than happy to.

so here is my big sunday into monday news....i stayed on track with the diet. so far so good today too. i went to eat at friendly's last night with rei, chris, and irene, and i got a salad and steak tips. i did have amelia's monster mash sundae, but since i only had a salad for lunch, i am sure that it evened itself out in the long run.

the hard part is that i am making homemade mac and cheese for amelia since she doesn't seem to want to eat anything else. i am not sure how to stay away from that, but i did cut up cantaloupe and watermelon so all is good. i am also planning on having chicken and broccoli tonight for dinner. exciting stuff, i know. if i get a chance i will put my mac and cheese recipe on here. i came up with it on my own - it is yummy!

Triple-Layer Peanut Butter Brownies recipe at Kraftfoods.com

Triple-Layer Peanut Butter Brownies recipe at Kraftfoods.com

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here we go again

so, we followed gail to her parents house yesterday after school. the kids enjoyed it a lot. they got a kick out of the apartment and her parents. i was sorry that we couldn't stay longer than we did. it was nice to see them.

we went to pick up todd - the airport was literally down the road - it worked out great. we made it right on time, but he didn't. there were 6 (!) planes that landed at his time, and his was the last one. it got tiring to try and keep up the excitement for amelia. "here's daddy's plane! here's daddy's plane!" "O, wait, no it isn't." Finally i just said, "look - here comes a plane!" it went much better.

she was very happy to see her daddy - although she plays hard to get with him - she seemed to forget that when she saw him and flung her arms around his neck and held on. then, she realized what she was doing and started saying, "mommy hold you!" it was funny!

we went and had a great dinner at the hotel - instead of having to wait at a restaurant forever down there. it really worked out great because there were only three other people there when we got there - it seemed like we had the restuarant to ourselves.

this morning we had breakfast and took the kids to toy's r us before we dropped todd off yet again at the airport. they all had a good time. amelia loved pushing a dolly all around the store in a stroller. too cute!

we had lunch at red robin (i want to keep calling it round robin - not sure why.) with gail and the boys. everyone had a good time. it was neat to try something different.

tomorrow morning is church - the bishop is coming. then, we will go visit mom and dad to take up some of the day, and then, we have to go to the grocery store and stock up on some things. then, back to hang out at home. it will be nice when tuesday gets here! we all cannot wait!!

it's never ending, is it?

so, the boys had to go get their eyes checked today. they love going - except for the drops because dr. a is great with them. he puts them in the "magic" chair to lift them up. when he saw toby he asked him how college was going!

toby went first. his eyes got better, but his astygmatism got worse, so we needed a new prescription for those. noah went next - he has been complaining of headsches lately. his eyes changed just a smidge. dr. a said that if he wasn't getting headaches he wouldn't worry about his eye prescription, but because that is the case he wanted him to change his glasses too. OY VEY! the prices of glasses and lenses these days. it is a good thing todd had a winning streak in vegas because it is all going to the eye doctor!

diet wise, i have given up for this week. fighting migraines. and, if i am fighting migraines, i am NOT going to start a new diet program. the diet is hard enough to deal with let alone dealing with that AND migraines.

on a brighter note, todd comes home tomorrow night. even if it is for the night we at least get to see him!

still trying to get the brownie recipe up. i may have to hand type it all out!

well....

Today was stressful - hence, i didn't get to follow 100%, but i will get there! started out ood, but gt a migraine and caved. i figured that would happen at some point.

The boys were nearly late or school this morning, and it seemed like everything that could go wrong did. I hate having to rush around evry morning an worrying that we will be late.

Amelia didn't want to take a nap today. Toby had to get his too filled after school, he had soccer practice, and then, there was open house. I ordered Ted's pizza to pick up, and walked in with my credit card. do not walk in with credit cards - they do not take them! I had NO cash on me at all. This was after soccer in between open house. I was so frazzled. I got them to take a check - finally. that is not advised wither, by the way!

I am working on getting my peanut butter brownie recipe up for everyone. it is not going to be tonight, but hopefully tomorrow. I am off to chat on the phone with my hubby. Friday can not get here soon enough.

Pressure begins for the Chicago show - everyone wants to know where you are.......everyone wants to know if you are coming. Apparently the Jakubowski family is one to not be forgotten.

Tomorrow is another day........

an update, and then onward -

So, day one was mostly good - a little bumps, but nothing that wasn't manageable. I made the kids brownies, but I am not at the point yet to stay away from them. This is a good thing to know.

Today, I have had my breakfast - banana with all natural peanut butter. Lunch is seafood stuffed salmon with a bunch of veggies and a fruit salad. Dinner is chicken and mushroom dijon. Again with a bunch of veggies - minus the potato. I feel good today. No migraines due to lack of sugar - yet. I also have drank two glasses of water.

I get my hair cut today - just a trim. I am trying to grow it out. I don't want to do anything too drastic until there is a new me that can go along with the new 'do!

day one on a way to a new me

O.k. - so, i broke dieting rule #1 all ready and it is only the first day, but it isn't a bad one. I didn't have breakfast. There is a reason fo this though - Todd ss out of town - I am lucky that I got the kids to school on time at all. Then, I help out in Toby's classroom every morning. After I left the school, I went to the grocery store to stock up on some much needed food for myself for the week. I had to do that and get the groceries put away because I am waiting for my new, new stove to arrive.

SOOO, I missed breakfast, but instead of taking anything into my mouth that is not good for me, I waited. I weighed myself, and can I just say, I weigh less than I thought I would, but not where I want to be. And, I am ok with this. Because I am going to get there.

Now, Amelia is asleep, and I am waiting for my new, new stove to get here, and I made myself a salad with lettuce, crab, reduced fat feta cheese, avocado, lemon juice, and olive oil. I am eating while I type.

Snack later is going to be tomatoes with mozzarella, or a banana with natural peanut butter. Dinner - if my stove makes it here - is going to be chili. I am excited to start on the road to a new me, and I am not craving anything yet. O, and I have had about 4 glasses of water all ready! Yay me!

Please, wish me luck, and keep your fingers crossed. You are along for a ride on this journey with me!

the chili recipe

I lost my chili recipe, and I will be trying the one out that you see below. I love the chili with cocoa powder - it makes it so dark and yummy! Getting on the dit band wagon starting tomorrow. Wish me luck.

I am SICK of being overweight. I have been overweight for as lng as I can remember. NO MORE!

I am excited to restart the next phase of my life. My baby phase is over. Now t is time t ous on the me stage. I need to take careof myself for my babies. HMMMM......if I go off of the wagon I can read this and remotivate myself. Plus, all of you reading my blog can help keep me on track. I would love to hear from you.....

Best Chili Recipe brought to you by Trap Him Feed Him Keep Him

Best Chili Recipe brought to you by Trap Him Feed Him Keep Him

zucchini parmesan

Soooooo - here is my favorite recipe that I made up this summer. It is super yummy - the boys - all 3 of them and Amelia LOVE it!

Take eggs (2-3) and mix in with milk, salt, and pepper in a pie plate.

In another pie plate, pour flour.

Cut zucchini into round slices.

First, coat zucckini in flour; then move into the egg mixture.

Heat olive oil in a pan over medium heat. When it is hot enough put slices of zucchini in and fry until soft and brown.

Put about 3 tablespoons of sauce on bottom of a 13x9 pan. make sure the sauce covers the bottom of pan lightly.

Take 2 of the fried zucchini and stack them around the pan. Put 1 tablespoon of sauce over each stack along with some fresh mozzarella cheese. Take 2 more fried zucchini and stack on top of the others. Add another tablespoon of sauce and more cheese.

Bake at 350* for 25 -30 minutes - or until heated through.

ENJOY!

It is a lot of work to fry the zucchini and assemble it, but it is so worth it!

day two of blogging

I do not think that I am cut out for this blogging thing. Not quite sure, but thought I would give it a try. I have a pretty dull life compared to some.

I guess I can use this space to show my recipes too - it doesn't all have to be talking about my life - which can be quite dull! LOL

I will update more later, but wanted to give an update on Nan. She is leaving the hospital today to go back to the nursing home. The doctors say that she is critical. As for a prognosis, I am unsure.

my nanny

So, for as long as I can remember my Nan was going to die. She was never going to make it to another birthday - hers or mine. She was not going to make it to my wedding. She certainly was not going to make it to see her great grandchildren.

Her life has certainly not been an easy one. She had three children within 36 months of each other. Boy, do I admire her for THAT! She was a widow when she was in her 40's. Remarried, and a few short months later had a heart attack and then a stroke - that was in her mid 50's. I can certainly say in all honesty there is no one I know who is more strong than her.

But, this time I am so afraid that this is her last fight. The real end of the line, and for the life of me I cannot come to terms with it!

She s my earliest memory - true, it isn't a good one, but it is of her nonetheless. We were at the old A&W drive in and he was not feeling well. She got out of the car and had a cigarette. I remember my mothe yelling at he to getin the car - we were going to take her to the hospital. (she was having her first heart attack.) I think I wasn't even 4.

I remember the year Todd and I got married - she had a bad hear attack and was air lifted to Burlington inthe DART helicopter - Todd and I drove up every night to Burligton to see her. I told her that she couldn't give up because she had to be at my wedding. She wasalways a fighter.

When I had Noah at 27 weeks, my mom brought her to Burlington shortly after I had him. My doctor was an Italian doctor, and she was so happy she shouted, "My Paisano!" I thought the doctor was going to fall over because someone could speak some Italian.

She certainly has not lost her sense of humor. The last time she was hospitalized before this she told us her dctor was a cutie! How can you argue with that?

I love Nanny. Not just because she is mine, but because of the lady that she is. She is a role model for love. She is a beacon of hope. She is light that shines when needed -ready to give love. She is funny and kind.

I am not ready to say good-bye. I am not ready to tell my kids that they have to either. She will tell you that she has had a good, long life - is it bad that I want it to last longer? I hope that if I am fortunate enough to live to 87 that I look as good as she does. Not a wrinkle lines her porcelain skin.

I guess I want to thank God for giving me time with her. For her love for me. I am fortunate to be a part of her, and I wil never forget that!